One year later
One year ago, I was laying in a hospital bed. Over the previous two weeks I had gone through an egg harvesting surgery and my second ovarian cancer removal surgery – both were successful, but far from easy.
While it’s only been a year, it feels like many more… not only has 2020 been the year of month-long days, it’s been the bulk of my difficult recovery time. The complexities of what’s happened and what will/could happen are vast…and stretch out every day with frustration, sadness and unknowns.
Physically and mentally, I’ve been working to process and recover through this intense trauma… trying to unburden my mind from the control it’s pushing to have, to feel comfortable in my body again, to keep the experience personal but also break the stigma of talking about it by sharing more, to keep hopes alive and trust the process…
The thing is, I’ve always wanted to be a mom, but it’s clear it won’t be easy. I’ll never be able to surprise our parents with a cute onesie or any have of those silly but meaningful moments. Of course, we are truly blessed to have options with the embryos we have stored. Surrogacy is a possibility, which is awesome but can be incredibly complicated and expensive. There’s still a possibility for me to carry, but the potential for tumor recurrence is risky and unknown.
Every time we discuss it, I have to referee all my feelings fighting each other in the ring – anger that we can’t just have a baby like other people, disappointment and sadness with the idea that I might never be able to get pregnant, fear that if I do choose to try that it could go awry, harsh judgement for not just trying sooner before all this happened, deep anxiety that it even with options it might not happen at all, guilt for feeling like I’m struggling while people of color and LGBTQ people are going through so much, not to mention it seems so crazy and selfish to want to bring anyone into this difficult life we’re all living right now… in summary, it’s hard as hell.
To all those out there struggling with the complex feelings around infertility and loss, you are not alone. For those working through cancer treatment and recovery, you are not alone.
It’s a daily battle.